The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

The surprising reality of how teenage girls still define themselves

A private room in a youth center in Carmarthen, Wales, is marked by a felt-tip sign that reads “GIRLS ONLY,” “Boy’s don’t Eneter!” [sic], and with a playful twist, “don’t worry boys!” The sign is adorned with vibrant hearts and stars. When I entered, a dozen girls were already immersed in a spirited card game at a large round table. The atmosphere was lively, with laughter and pizza ordered as part of the dynamic. This visit was part of my Radio 4 series About The Girls, which involved speaking to approximately 150 young women, mostly aged 13 to 17. Their discussions mirrored the themes emerging from the conversations I had with them.

Girls’ perspectives on identity

The girls were insightful, witty, and full of aspirations, sharing thoughts on ambition, friendship, and the importance of family care. One mentioned wanting a fridge with a vase and a career in medicine, while another emphasized the trust they had in their friends. Yet, the dialogue frequently shifted to how boys influenced their experiences, from school interactions to social media trends. Topics ranged from classroom dynamics to the number of Cheese Feast slices available, highlighting their multifaceted lives.

“Growing up as a girl, so much of that is about how boys are behaving around you and what they’re doing to you. So there isn’t really a way to talk about that without mentioning boys… and it is frustrating.”

The project followed my earlier series About The Boys, which explored teenage males across the UK. Amid the backdrop of the pandemic, the #MeToo movement, and the cultural impact of Andrew Tate, I sought to understand their views. The girls proved just as engaging: reflective, articulate, and bold. Their willingness to open up made the experiment with female participants feel both natural and necessary.

Gendered expectations and self-perception

As the girls in Carmarthen dispersed, I spoke with Alison Harbor, the youth center manager. She noted their openness, comparing their confidence to that of the boys who often dominate conversations. “The boys at the club are quite vocal,” she said, “and pretty confident in sharing their opinions. Well today, the girls have been the same!” She added, “My worry is that they usually internalise a lot of their troubles…” The irony was that while they spoke freely, they also described altering their behavior in the presence of boys.

“Girls told me about not wanting to be seen by boys as ‘too much,’ ‘too loud,’ ‘weird,’ ‘annoying,’ a ‘pick me,’ or ‘a beg’ (someone looking for attention).”

Teachers observed girls “keeping their heads down” and “not making a fuss,” while the girls themselves explained their desire to appear smaller and quieter in mixed groups. Dr. Ola Demkowicz, a senior lecturer in the psychology of education at the Manchester Institute of Education, has studied similar patterns. She noted, “There is certainly a pressure that we heard from young women around that—really translating into they need to be polite and respectful, and that they feel the behavior expectations on them were…”