What not to say to a friend who is struggling to conceive

What Not to Say to a Friend Struggling to Conceive

For many, the journey to parenthood is filled with hope and anticipation. But for those facing infertility, even well-intentioned remarks can sting. Vicky Levens, 29, from Belfast, recalls how her third miscarriage left her emotionally raw, yet she returned to her receptionist role the next day. Colleagues, unaware of her pain, offered comments that felt dismissive. A female manager noted, “At least you were early in your pregnancy,” while a male manager remarked, “You don’t look presentable enough for the reception desk.” These words, though meant to be comforting, left Vicky feeling invalidated. “I was in shock,” she says. “I wish people wouldn’t say that in the moment—because it hurts.”

Unintentional Wounds

Kay, 33, from Manchester, echoes this sentiment. In an episode of Woman’s Hour’s Guide to Life, she described how people often offer poorly chosen phrases during fertility struggles. “You’re met with really poor words,” Kay says. “They aren’t intentional, but they can come across as insensitive.” One relative, close to her, told her, “A lot of women have miscarriages, so you just need to get ready and not be dramatic about it.” Such remarks, Kay explains, can feel like a judgment on her emotions. “It’s like saying your pain isn’t real,” she adds.

Cultural Pressures and Emotional Withdrawal

For Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman in West London, the pressure is compounded by cultural expectations. She recalls how relatives in her community frequently questioned her ability to conceive. “You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” she says. “They blame the wife for not focusing on her career or not marrying young enough.” This relentless criticism led her to withdraw from friends and family. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life,” Asiya explains. “Asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness.”

Experts on Support

Prof Joyce Harper, a reproductive science expert at University College London (UCL), emphasizes the emotional toll of infertility. “The treatment itself is a roller coaster,” she says. “There are moments when it becomes really difficult, like after a period or an embryo transfer.” Dr. Marie Prince, a clinical psychologist specializing in fertility, adds that support doesn’t always come from the expected sources. “It might be your IVF support team, not the friends you’d usually share things with,” she notes. She encourages individuals to seek professional help, as emotional well-being is crucial during this process.

Meaningful Gestures

While some comments can hurt, others show genuine care. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, shares how her friends and family provided unwavering support after her miscarriages. “People visited, brought food and flowers, and gifted us restaurant vouchers for a break,” she says. Even small acts, like texts acknowledging her struggles, made a difference. “It’s the little things that matter,” Elena adds. “They show you’re thinking of me.”

“I know they’re trying to bring comfort,” says Vicky. “But in the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that—because it hurts.”